I’ve started letting go of feelings I had for someone a couple days ago. I was talking with a friend and she said,
“Sometimes we meet people so we can grow. And in order to grow, we must go through pain.”
Just two years ago I would have flown off the handle if someone told me that. I have felt strong connections with men before. Most I had little to slight real life interaction, racking up unrequited love like checks with no balances. Spending my time lusting and trusting that at some point there would be love between me and my crush.
I don’t allow myself to fall in love anymore, until recently when I fell head over heals over someone I only knew for a few months. Falling in love this time was different.
I talked to this person more often than most men I thought of in this way. He was gracious and kind, but that’s his job he’s a bartender. And I thought, “He’s being nice to me to get big tips.” And then I saw how he treated everyone else, both men and women with so much respect. That turned me on more then anything else. More then what he looked like or how his body handled the grind of working the bar.
One night, I turned to find him looking at me after I looked down from watching a television above the bar. As I looked at him, his dark eyes were turning black and the bottom whites showing, all glassy. We locked eyes for at least 3 seconds. And then he looked up to see if the channels were correct. Upon looking at him, I felt like I was walking into a fire that I would never be able to walk out from. It happens like this. It being lust I guess. He might have felt something like I did, or it could have been just a moment of rest for him. Maybe I imagined it. Sometimes I think maybe I read into it too much.
It doesn’t really matter does it? We’ve all come up against things similar. A glance here or a long glance there and sometimes I’m the one doing it first.
I keep thinking he started it. But maybe I gave him signals to start it. I’m still unsure.
I kept watching him work after that. His energy was electric, interacting loudly with other bartenders and bar-backs. Pushing himself to give everyone what they needed. Making sure people avoided holding hot plates. I felt safe around him, even more then when I first met him.
That night, he gave me a smile showing wisdom around his eyes as he asked me what drink he could make for me. After all I felt that night my vision of what I wanted in a companion is what came together in my head.
It may mean nothing to anyone but me. Yet it isn’t nothing for me. This is not a thing of obsession or drive. It’s more like self reflection.
I imagined spending time with him in the park, perhaps talking about the weather and talking about life stuff like family and work. I imagined more things would happen between us at some point. And I kept wondering what would happen if we actually decided to have some kind of relationship.
Sex is something that is sacred to some and casual to others. Some feel it’s play and some feel it’s obligation. The truth is I’m not sure where I am with this feeling, my drive for sex is waxing and waning as I think more about how long I have waited to have sex and how much waiting there might be left to do. I do know however that I am not into taking it lightly.
And it’s not because I’ve waited so long. It’s because I love my soul enough to know what I would like from my partner, whomever that may be.
I know those things. I felt the things I wanted from meeting this guy. It's tough to chalk things up to spiritual growth. In this case I know it is.
He told me something when last I saw him bartend and I felt happy for him and I just want him to be happy.
I want to be happy too. And I know sometimes the best way to take care of myself is to walk through the fire over the embers onto the safety cool ground.
So Ladies, I’d like to hear from you. Have you ever met someone and got the feelings you wanted for a future relationship? Let me know here in the comments. We can have a discussion about it on this post.
And be sure to read 28 Creative Ways to Deal with Disappointment in Love, to gain some tips on dealing with the frustration of being single.